so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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