I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm getting married
To pizza
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
