if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
