She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
