do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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