I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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