how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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