She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
