Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize