shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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