she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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