I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize