After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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