I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
