i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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