Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
