My Higher Power is John Stamos
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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