Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
