Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Is it because I queefed?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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