Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I forget how to act sober
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
