I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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