We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
