i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
