textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
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