Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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