In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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