Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize