he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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