She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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