bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
