I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
