if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Sorry about my life...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
