i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
