Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she smelled like a LAN party
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
