I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
