I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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