Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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