I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
