He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
