The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
