The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
