What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Randomize