our cab driver is having phone sex.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
3pm strippers are depressing
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize