My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
