Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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