I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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