genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
we should paint friendship bongs
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