He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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