Your face is a jimmy john
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
