she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
