I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
