I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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