I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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